I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
