If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
