Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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