Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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