We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
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