Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
