Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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