Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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