Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
