im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
