Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
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