i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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