I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I'm both gender and math confused
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
