I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Boobs are out for the taking
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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