We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
