I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
