Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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