I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Randomize
