you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
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