I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
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