can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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