I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
