I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Randomize
