it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
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