I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
