I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
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