I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
