Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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