If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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