my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
