my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Randomize
