I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
