nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
