Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
