Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
