Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
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