1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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