i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
