I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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