He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
