I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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