she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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