I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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