i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
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