Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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