Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Randomize
