dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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