Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
