you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize