i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
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