some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
