I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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