BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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