I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
