I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
