This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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