Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
