I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Randomize
