Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
