the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Randomize
